Erased

His strong hands warm, his defined arms holding back to the one who longed to embrace him, to the very one he made promises to love and protect forever.  He sat on a blanket underneath a large oak tree with a pasted smile as he tried to comfort me saying, “You will have no trouble finding someone else.  You're amazing.”  I didn’t want anyone else.  I wanted him to return to me.  I wanted HIM back....his free-spirited, loving, energetic, and risk taker he once was had now been completely taken, overrun by THEM.  “Stay with me,” my heart screamed into his chest. “Come back to me!  You were with me!  What happened?”  I’ve always described these times as a family member seeing their loved one with Alzheimer’s having moments of remembrance...only to go back to being forgotten.  Helpless, despair, powerless, but still hanging onto the hope that perhaps those memories would be strong enough to combat his decaying mind.   

I was awakened from this dream by my loud and painful cries.   I knew that I had to finally let go because that person was once and for all...g.o.n.e.  Nothing I could DO, BE, or SAY, could ever bring him back to me or be stronger than their voices.  Only an empty shell with glimpses of who he once was remained.  Even then, I wanted to hang on to his decaying body, hoping that the love we once had would be stronger than them.  But it was too late. They had given him a new mind, a programmable heart, and I no longer existed in his memory.  I had been COMPLETELY e.r.a.s.e.d. 

Summer 2010