Moving Into the Sunlight

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” - Lily Tomlin

I vividly remember the day I forgave the one who hurt me the most.  It was in the middle of winter and I realized how much power I had over my life with a single change in thought.  I could forgive and be set free, never to have my heart remain in darkness. I chose to enter the light, step forward and walk away from the heavy cloud I had remained in for so long.  It was truly that simple.  Of course, I had taken the time to weep and mourn. Sometimes it seemed like the rain of pain was constant and unbearable during the heaviest of storms. The sun rays always shone, but it wasn’t until I looked beyond myself that I was able to see more than the darkness I thought had surrounded me. I had to move away from the dreary clouds and walk to where the warm sun radiated. 

I knew it was time; time for change, time to turn the page in my life story. I finally picked up a pen and began writing the next chapter of my life.  Holding onto pain and resentment left only ME hurting, not him or them.  The key that unlocked the chains that had been placed on me was forgiveness. I chose freedom. Too much negative energy was spent in wishing and hoping for a better past.  Transferring this energy and using it for the betterment of myself and those nearest me transformed all of my being. Yes, I have faced a significant amount of adversity, but without all of those trials I would not have acquired empathy, compassion, patience,  or have discovered true peace within myself.  

Free your heart from the pain of the past and fill it up with joy that is found by recreating today! Let go and be free!  

Seismic Waves

‎"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." E. Gilbert

I think I’ve experienced so many earthquakes that the brightness of God’s light has sometimes blinded people, causing them to make U-turns.  I often wonder what my life would have been like without the cracks that were caused by having been in an earthquake zone.  Where would I be?  What if I hadn't been at the epicenter when it hit?  Would I be living a different life or in another country? I know the day will soon arrive when I will no longer question this and relish in the present moment at all times. Many decisions I made prior to taking a stand for truth had always been based on fear...wanting to please those around me and striving for unattainable perfection.  I wanted to be loved with cracks.  I am now realizing I need to accept all my imperfections and rebuild what I can. 
I wish this infrastructure had been reinforced to withstand some of the strongest seismic waves that affected its foundation, causing some of the most important people in my life to get hurt as they simply tried to help remove the concrete that had me buried.  I’ve tried rebuilding and have often become frustrated not knowing how to create a dwelling out of rubble.  I now have the necessary tools and materials.  I've learned from great architects who have shared their expertise in building structures, retrofitted to withstand the strongest earthquakes...never becoming a seismic risk again.  I now have to endure one of my own greatest struggles: patience.  

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but even now in ruins, some are able to see and appreciate its beauty...its history told through the remnants that remain.  Wonderful works of art indeed!

January 2011

Paintless

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Today I continue on my lifetime quest of self discovery, wholeness, and healing.  Last night I was faced with a full length mirror.  It was held by my dearest friend for many months, but I, due to many fears and doubts avoided looking into it.  I often took quick glances and would only see a version of me or simply, the shell which I've hidden behind quite well.  Somehow, I learned how to hide behind my achievements, my ability to paint my face pretty.  It's been an interesting tug of war...gaining attention from those I have sought the most: men and building stronger walls against those I have longed to have friendships with: women.  Those who know me, know of my many "friendships" I have with men and the very few I maintain with women.  I've always said I'm more of a man than than a girl.  Yes, I love femininity.  I love heels, gloss, I love being able to use my smile or eye contact to have a drink paid for...which girl doesn't?  It is quite flattering. Last summer, when I had no other choice but to live with more than 15 women, I learned that one of the main reasons I unconsciously chose to not establish relationships with females was due to the fact that most women are emotional-a door I've shut for many years and which I have only allowed a few to peek in at different points in my life.  I am now in my mid thirties and feel like a young girl who worries to death about how to make friends the first week she begins middle school.  I will admit, it is very foreign to me.  I don't like gossip, cattiness, jealousy.  It seems as though most of my female relationships typically stop growing due to my own fears and lack of awareness of how to be a friend or accept others who sincerely care for me.  I am choosing to look in the mirror and see the empty place that has always longed for sisterhood.  I have a lot to give.  It is my desire and hope to learn and experience this process. So here is to paying for my own dinners and drinks as my journey continues!  Salud!

January 2011