Paintless

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Today I continue on my lifetime quest of self discovery, wholeness, and healing.  Last night I was faced with a full length mirror.  It was held by my dearest friend for many months, but I, due to many fears and doubts avoided looking into it.  I often took quick glances and would only see a version of me or simply, the shell which I've hidden behind quite well.  Somehow, I learned how to hide behind my achievements, my ability to paint my face pretty.  It's been an interesting tug of war...gaining attention from those I have sought the most: men and building stronger walls against those I have longed to have friendships with: women.  Those who know me, know of my many "friendships" I have with men and the very few I maintain with women.  I've always said I'm more of a man than than a girl.  Yes, I love femininity.  I love heels, gloss, I love being able to use my smile or eye contact to have a drink paid for...which girl doesn't?  It is quite flattering. Last summer, when I had no other choice but to live with more than 15 women, I learned that one of the main reasons I unconsciously chose to not establish relationships with females was due to the fact that most women are emotional-a door I've shut for many years and which I have only allowed a few to peek in at different points in my life.  I am now in my mid thirties and feel like a young girl who worries to death about how to make friends the first week she begins middle school.  I will admit, it is very foreign to me.  I don't like gossip, cattiness, jealousy.  It seems as though most of my female relationships typically stop growing due to my own fears and lack of awareness of how to be a friend or accept others who sincerely care for me.  I am choosing to look in the mirror and see the empty place that has always longed for sisterhood.  I have a lot to give.  It is my desire and hope to learn and experience this process. So here is to paying for my own dinners and drinks as my journey continues!  Salud!

January 2011