The Death of Survival

“When we accept [our need for others] we can behave truthfully in our neediness, or we can continue to defend and pretend, which requires old survival behavior and counterfeit fulfillment.” -Chip Dodd

Although survival behaviors were a necessity for most of my life, I finally had come to a crossroads of having to choose to face my fears or remain on the survival path which had only provided me with superficial and shallow relationships, a counterfeit fulfillment indeed. 

Understanding and recognizing this weakness has been the beginning of new found strength.  I won’t deny the fact that facing my fears of raw authenticity has been as scary as walking naked through a large crowd.  Surrendering to vulnerability is a conscious, willful mindset I replay in my mind throughout the day.  The reality is that control, a true illusion, prevents us from growing, changing, and transforming into who we really are meant to be.  It is the cage that does not allow the bird that exists in us to freely fly in its own natural habitat.  

Disappointments are always going to exist if we want fullness of life.  Guarding myself will not allow others to enter.  I must continue to liberate my mind, my soul, my entire being to experience the richness of what can come from letting go of fear, hurt, or perfection.

March 2011

Moving Into the Sunlight

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” - Lily Tomlin

I vividly remember the day I forgave the one who hurt me the most.  It was in the middle of winter and I realized how much power I had over my life with a single change in thought.  I could forgive and be set free, never to have my heart remain in darkness. I chose to enter the light, step forward and walk away from the heavy cloud I had remained in for so long.  It was truly that simple.  Of course, I had taken the time to weep and mourn. Sometimes it seemed like the rain of pain was constant and unbearable during the heaviest of storms. The sun rays always shone, but it wasn’t until I looked beyond myself that I was able to see more than the darkness I thought had surrounded me. I had to move away from the dreary clouds and walk to where the warm sun radiated. 

I knew it was time; time for change, time to turn the page in my life story. I finally picked up a pen and began writing the next chapter of my life.  Holding onto pain and resentment left only ME hurting, not him or them.  The key that unlocked the chains that had been placed on me was forgiveness. I chose freedom. Too much negative energy was spent in wishing and hoping for a better past.  Transferring this energy and using it for the betterment of myself and those nearest me transformed all of my being. Yes, I have faced a significant amount of adversity, but without all of those trials I would not have acquired empathy, compassion, patience,  or have discovered true peace within myself.  

Free your heart from the pain of the past and fill it up with joy that is found by recreating today! Let go and be free!  

Seismic Waves

‎"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." E. Gilbert

I think I’ve experienced so many earthquakes that the brightness of God’s light has sometimes blinded people, causing them to make U-turns.  I often wonder what my life would have been like without the cracks that were caused by having been in an earthquake zone.  Where would I be?  What if I hadn't been at the epicenter when it hit?  Would I be living a different life or in another country? I know the day will soon arrive when I will no longer question this and relish in the present moment at all times. Many decisions I made prior to taking a stand for truth had always been based on fear...wanting to please those around me and striving for unattainable perfection.  I wanted to be loved with cracks.  I am now realizing I need to accept all my imperfections and rebuild what I can. 
I wish this infrastructure had been reinforced to withstand some of the strongest seismic waves that affected its foundation, causing some of the most important people in my life to get hurt as they simply tried to help remove the concrete that had me buried.  I’ve tried rebuilding and have often become frustrated not knowing how to create a dwelling out of rubble.  I now have the necessary tools and materials.  I've learned from great architects who have shared their expertise in building structures, retrofitted to withstand the strongest earthquakes...never becoming a seismic risk again.  I now have to endure one of my own greatest struggles: patience.  

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but even now in ruins, some are able to see and appreciate its beauty...its history told through the remnants that remain.  Wonderful works of art indeed!

January 2011

Paintless

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Today I continue on my lifetime quest of self discovery, wholeness, and healing.  Last night I was faced with a full length mirror.  It was held by my dearest friend for many months, but I, due to many fears and doubts avoided looking into it.  I often took quick glances and would only see a version of me or simply, the shell which I've hidden behind quite well.  Somehow, I learned how to hide behind my achievements, my ability to paint my face pretty.  It's been an interesting tug of war...gaining attention from those I have sought the most: men and building stronger walls against those I have longed to have friendships with: women.  Those who know me, know of my many "friendships" I have with men and the very few I maintain with women.  I've always said I'm more of a man than than a girl.  Yes, I love femininity.  I love heels, gloss, I love being able to use my smile or eye contact to have a drink paid for...which girl doesn't?  It is quite flattering. Last summer, when I had no other choice but to live with more than 15 women, I learned that one of the main reasons I unconsciously chose to not establish relationships with females was due to the fact that most women are emotional-a door I've shut for many years and which I have only allowed a few to peek in at different points in my life.  I am now in my mid thirties and feel like a young girl who worries to death about how to make friends the first week she begins middle school.  I will admit, it is very foreign to me.  I don't like gossip, cattiness, jealousy.  It seems as though most of my female relationships typically stop growing due to my own fears and lack of awareness of how to be a friend or accept others who sincerely care for me.  I am choosing to look in the mirror and see the empty place that has always longed for sisterhood.  I have a lot to give.  It is my desire and hope to learn and experience this process. So here is to paying for my own dinners and drinks as my journey continues!  Salud!

January 2011

Puppet Master

The warm blood that once made them human was removed and replaced with stuffing. Puppets. Marionettes. Dolls.  Rag dolls, blow-up dolls, ceramic dolls...all bobbing around the conveyor belt one by one as they lie motionless, vacuous.  They are now fully programmed to wait for their Soul owner to direct their movements. She sets her collectable dolls with muted painted mouths and hollow glass eyes in her ornate antique case as she watches with gleaming satisfaction of her tainted creation, key in hand.

Tornados

Don't fear the violent winds that come through and try to wipe all of who you are.  You can hide in the darkest of basements where you think you’ll be kept safe, but you’ll never be able to enjoy the beauty of what comes after the stormy clouds that engulf the skies...a rainbow that includes the entire spectrum of colors. You never know... an entire wiping-out of all of what or who you once thought were important can be the clean start to your new life.

Erased

His strong hands warm, his defined arms holding back to the one who longed to embrace him, to the very one he made promises to love and protect forever.  He sat on a blanket underneath a large oak tree with a pasted smile as he tried to comfort me saying, “You will have no trouble finding someone else.  You're amazing.”  I didn’t want anyone else.  I wanted him to return to me.  I wanted HIM back....his free-spirited, loving, energetic, and risk taker he once was had now been completely taken, overrun by THEM.  “Stay with me,” my heart screamed into his chest. “Come back to me!  You were with me!  What happened?”  I’ve always described these times as a family member seeing their loved one with Alzheimer’s having moments of remembrance...only to go back to being forgotten.  Helpless, despair, powerless, but still hanging onto the hope that perhaps those memories would be strong enough to combat his decaying mind.   

I was awakened from this dream by my loud and painful cries.   I knew that I had to finally let go because that person was once and for all...g.o.n.e.  Nothing I could DO, BE, or SAY, could ever bring him back to me or be stronger than their voices.  Only an empty shell with glimpses of who he once was remained.  Even then, I wanted to hang on to his decaying body, hoping that the love we once had would be stronger than them.  But it was too late. They had given him a new mind, a programmable heart, and I no longer existed in his memory.  I had been COMPLETELY e.r.a.s.e.d. 

Summer 2010